by Mark Murton and Linda Kay

English Translation: The Long, the Short, the Cat

Directed by: Lucio Fulci

This review contains an Implied Kitty Carnage Warning!

Cat Out Of The Bag Alert! This review contains major spoilers for this film.

Synopsis: Two dim-witted servants, Franco and Ciccio (played by the noted Italian comedy team of Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia), are at the service of a wealthy widowed Countess (Giusi Raspani Dandolo) who believes her Siamese cat, Archibald, is the reincarnation of her late husband. The pair hate the cat for the trouble and expense it causes them so when the mistress suddenly dies they waste no time in getting rid of the animal. But at the reading of the will they learn that they, along with the other servant, Gina (Ivy Holzer), will inherit one million lire every month providing they take care of the cat, and so the search to retrieve the missing kitty begins.

Featured Feline: Archibald first appears during the opening credits as a cutout alongside Franco and Ciccio.

In Archibald’s first proper appearance the servants, at the behest of the Countess, are singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to her “husband” and the camera pans along to reveal it is the cat to whom they are singing.

One of Franco and Ciccio’s daily duties is to take Archibald for a walk, which first entails a ride to a local park in the Countess’ fancy car.

But while the two men bicker about how to keep the cat from running away, Archibald disappears from the back seat (literally in the space of a second!) and they have to pay off several local businesses who claim the cat’s actions have cost them money. Returning to the car, they find Archibald happily back on his plush cushion.

Back at the house, the Countess sits with the cat on her lap as she instructs the servants to stage a version of Romeo and Juliet for Archibald’s entertainment, although the cat’s constant wriggling and meowing would make it seem he is less than thrilled at the idea.

Unimpressed by the performance, Archibald turns his back on them and is later found to be sound asleep.

Kitty Cameos: Having waxed lyrical about how loving and faithful her husband was the Countess is dismayed to find Archibald has secretly sired a basketful of kittens in the basement with a stray.

The trauma of this discovery causes the Countess to suffer a heart attack which kills her. Initially thinking it’s the cat that has died Franco and Ciccio are surprised to see Archibald still alive.

Realising they are finally free of their cat care responsibilities they waste no time in kicking the cat out of the door. Literally. Firstly, Ciccio scoops up Archibald and places him gently on the floor by the open door.

Implied Kitty Carnage Warning! At which point, Franco takes a run up and kicks the cat. Fortunately Franco’s kick actually comes nowhere near the cat actor, although the poor animal is tossed out the door by unseen hands. The cat lands on the gravel outside and, not surprisingly, makes a quick exit.

Kitty Cameo: After learning about the bombshell contained in the will Franco and Ciccio quickly obtain another, non-Siamese cat, which they hope to fool the notary (Silvio Bagolini) into believing is Archibald. Meant to be some dirty, stray alley cat, the poor cat actor has been liberally covered with dirt.

But the notary is well-prepared and presents a slide show with detailed shots showing the real Archibald from all angles.

Backing these up are a chart of measurements and even inked paw prints.

Rumbled, Franco and Ciccio resume their search for the real Archibald and track him to a posh house where a dinner party is taking place. At first Archibald is welcomed into the home by some of the guests.

But when Franco and Ciccio arrive it isn’t long before they, inevitably, cause havoc in their attempts to retrieve the cat. In a rather drawn out sequence, Archibald leaps (or actually is catapulted, this time by someone whose hand appears in frame for a second) onto the exquisite dining table which causes food and tableware to go flying. Franco and Ciccio, along with the startled dinner guests and the poor terrified cat actor, carry on screaming and knocking things around for far too long.

Archibald eventually makes his exit and is next spotted at a nearby Embassy where a foreign dignitary is in fear of an assassination attempt by a mysterious assassin known only as “The Cat”. When Franco and Ciccio arrive looking for “the cat” the police think they can identify the assassin and lead them to him. They let the pair go but tail them closely. Meanwhile, learning that Franco and Ciccio may be able to identify him, The Cat (Ivano Staccioli) goes to the house and ties them up at gunpoint, along with Gina. The Cat shows them a time bomb he has set to explode once he has made his escape. But his plans are thwarted when Archibald appears and steals the keys from his car.

When The Cat finds the keys missing he spots Archibald nearby with the keys supposedly in his mouth (it’s not clear exactly how the keys are attached to the cat actor but he is definitely not holding them in his teeth). The Cat chases Archibald back inside the house.

Archibald makes it to the room where the trio are held captive and out onto the balcony where they have managed to roll the bomb. In desperation the captive trio urge Archibald to push the bomb over the edge but the cat just seems to be nuzzling it instead (both the cat and the bomb seem to be manipulated by someone below the balcony).

During this The Cat finds his car keys dropped on the stairs and returns to his car. Back on the balcony, Archibald has finally managed to push the bomb out through the railings and down into the assassin’s car which is conveniently parked directly below. Archibald then jumps down from the balcony. The car duly explodes just as The Cat drives off. Having been untied by the police, Franco and Ciccio examine the remains of the car and fear Archibald was killed in the explosion, but happily they hear him crying nearby and spot the Siamese. Quickly they set off in pursuit as he runs off once more.

In the final scene, Franco, Ciccio and Gina are now masters at their former house of employment and have their own servants to take Archibald for his morning walk, this time safely enclosed in a little cage.

While primarily known for his giallo films, director Lucio Fulci wrote and directed several comedies early in his career. Several of these starred the popular comedy team of Franco and Ciccio who were not unlike the Laurel and Hardy of their generation. Not much is known about the cat actor who starred in this film but a cartoon version of the cat (female, not male, in one) was prominently featured on posters for the film (as well as several girls wearing swimwear who don’t actually appear anywhere in the movie!)

Final Mewsings: Cats can enrich people’s lives in many different ways.

Many thanks to Nick Wale for also spotting the cat in this film.

Relevant Links:

To discuss this film and other cats in movies and on television, join us on Facebook and X.